I am the proud father of two teenage boys and one tweenage boy. They always do their homework, never fight, don’t answer back and I can’t stop them doing chores around the house! Some of you aren’t so lucky so to join with you in what might feel like a daily FAIL I’m inventing imaginary children. These children are entirely fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, in my house, is purely coincidental.
My eldest daughter is Jemima. She is nearly 17, blonde and beautiful like her mother and loves boys. She recently passed nine GCSEs with four A*s, three A’s, one B and one C which is far better than we imagined. Every weekend she argues with Susanna about what she wears, from the length of the skirt to whether the colours match. We monitor her Facebook and are deeply shocked by the explicit things her friends say. While she doesn’t say them she says that’s normal and that we’ve got no idea. We’re soooooo old.
Two of her close friends got caught up with the London riots. They stole ‘loads’ of clothes and one has been arrested but wasn’t charged. I suggested that she should report the other one but she said that’s not what friends do. I wondered what I should do, particularly when you see the size of the sentences they’re giving out. When her old best friend was dropped (if that’s the current term) by her looting boyfriend, she reported him to the police. He lost his management training career and was given six months in jail. Thank God we were on holiday.
I really love imaginary Jemima but she’s growing up so fast. She’s not just daddy’s little girl anymore and often doesn’t want to talk at all.
And then there’s Isaiah…